ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Njemile Z. Ali is the founder of NLPG, Inc., a 501(c)3 Black literary organization. She is the executive editor of KIZA BlackLit, a publication of NLPG. As far as she can tell, Njemile writes because her daddy wrote and writing feels like it’s in her blood and bones. Also, she originally went off to college to start a Black literary magazine. Voila! The following piece is a stream of consciousness that unfolded from the moment in which it was written. Njemile hopes the themes touched upon in “Torment” open many productive, healing conversations, retrospectives and progressions. Family legacies contain many compounds for us to reduce to their constituent elements of character. By recombining the elements, we have the opportunity to bring forth the greatness of our Ancestral lines.
Torment
BY NJEMILE Z. ALI
Copyright 2026. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
For the first time,
I feel I can relate to my dad.
Today I asked myself/him,
“What would he/you rather die than face?”
It’s more like,
“Rather die that live with?”
I know what it is.
Torment.
The kind that ruthlessly comes to attack
Sometimes when you least expect it.
Is this torment telling me
Something real about myself
Or is it weaving lies
To destroy my will?
Where are the lines
Between guilt, self-hate and responsibility?
What really happened?
Did I do something wrong/bad/inappropriate/stupid/cowardly/
Or is that guilt just a mirror image of my self hate?
Torment.
Suppose his torment talked louder and more insistently
Than mine?
Suppose his torment shouted in his ears
And in his soul,
Obscuring reality?
Bringing disappointment
Without question.
How to get off the
Merry-go-round?
“You gotta start with trusting yourself,”
I whisper in my best moments.
And there’s another thing I say
That I don’t remember in this moment.
It’ll come back to me.
Then there’s the laughter
In my quiet moments.
A private me tickled at my own thoughts.
See, the question was,
“Why do I like solitude so much?
“Why is it so pleasant to be alone?”
That’s when I made it back to Daddy.
It didn’t take long, really, for my thoughts
To take me there.
It’s a familiar path.
This time, though, it was different.
This is the first time I felt him.
Really the first time I got that far on the path.
The first time I really looked at him.
First time I truly felt I was made of
Him too.
See, we were ships passing.
He passed out of this life
Shortly after I passed into it.
That’s the whole thing.
That’s why the question.
That’s why the insight:
Torment.
That’s what would make you do it.
When I sit in that moment
With you,
I understand how bad
It must have been.
So, I’m telling you, Daddy.
It’s ok.
It was an experience you chose.
I mean, before your birth.
Back when you remembered that
You are one of the Gods.
Back when you chose experience to
Enlighten the whole,
To illuminate all that exists
And can exist.
Yet, real life is not a study.
As aloof/intelligent/curious/dedicated/studious/scientific/
As one might be,
Real life happens up close.
And sometimes it hurts.
A lot.
Sometimes it hurts so bad
Folks feel like they gotta get out.
And I wanna tell folks and my Daddy,
You’re ok. And also,
Stick around.
It’s gonna be interesting.
And for you, Daddy
It definitely got interesting.
I can tell you this—
Your creativity lives.
Your writing, your sewing, your visioning
And your torment—
Just saying.
[Insert moment of laughter].
Your daughter has lots of Selves.
Maybe you would have enjoyed my humor.
Your grandsons and granddaughter through me are artists
And world builders—
Their father was a world builder.
I think the art came from you,
And there’s a way they look at things
And principles:
Incisive. Sharp. Clear.
That seems to come from you.
And you have great grands too.
And three or four (don’t ask) great-greats.
I’m just talking about my few,
Not to mention my 8 older siblings.
We have lots to talk about.
Lots of catching up to do.
Right now, I have to get back to work
(Writing).
It’s been great connecting with you.
Chat soon.